A look inside my brain: (1:24 a.m. Friday morning.)

There are several tabs open in my internet search engine. One of them is a copy of some song lyrics. Of a song that I have been listening to quite frequently lately. (Of course I will share them….)

“I don’t know how we were created
But I know we all die

Go pick up all your tools and build a roof
I’ll pick up all mine and build one too

I just do as I do
That’s all I can do

Listen to the cars just passing through
Help out all those friends that helped you too

You just do as you do
That’s all you can do

Open up your arms and hold on to
Everything you own that owns you too

And just let it all go
Because that’s all we can do

And that’s all we can do”

-Portugal. The Man.

I’m not sure if there’s anything I could say right now that that song doesn’t already say for me. And those lyrics accompanied with the vocals and the instruments and a cool summer night’s drive with the windows down….really provide for an excellent example of what goes through my brain these days.

Another tab open is a list of MFA Creative Writing programs. Anymore, it seems that my any sense I can make of my life and what goes on in it is slipping through my fingers like sand that I’m walking along the beach picking up. Trying desperately to take just a handful of it with me. But by the time the walk is over, I look down at my hand and it just has a bunch of sand type shit all over it. That I just have to brush my hands together to let blow away in the wind. 

Some of it gets in my eyes.

“Fuck!” I say. “Sand in my eyes!”

And then I can’t see anything for a little while.

But, the point of that analogy that went on for way too long, is that….writing, is what I have to get back to. 

No.

I have not been putting myself through some of the hardest shit I could ever imagine just because I want something to write about. I would’ve chosen a different passion already if that was the case. This wouldn’t have been worth it. 

It’s just…the hardest shit keeps happening. And…laying on my bed the other day, trying to rationalize about 567 things in my life, I realized that, I’ve said this before, but….I’m sometimes good at saying things that other people can’t. And, I’m not trying to brag or anything. But, one of the best compliments I can ever receive, is after someone reads something I’ve written, when they have that reaction that’s like, “I feel the EXACT same way sometimes!” or “I KNOW what you mean!!!”….if there is something that someone, even just one person out there is feeling, but doesn’t know how to say it; well, I would be honored if I could figure out how to put it into words. And have them read it. And say….”I know what she means…”

I feel like not jumping at the chance to write about any and everything I can, is just a waste of….a knowledge of words and how to put them together…along with a waste of…one hell of a life so far. (And I’m not even 25!)

So…..Kansas City, you just keep breaking my heart. And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t exploring other options. But If I am pressured in anyway towards this decision I don’t think the outcome would be good for either of us. So…just…give me some space. I’m trying to figure out if we are right for each other anymore. I could never picture my life without you. I never could. There was a time when I embraced everything you were…and I knew we were right together. But there was a time when I thought that about a lot of things. And…right from wrong…up from down….no relevance in my life right now. So…let me just think. And we’ll take one day at a time.

Harper has no desire to be in my room with me right now. 

And that makes me sad.

Tonight I was with friends. There was a time when I was laying in a chair, distanced from the rest of the people in the room. I just didn’t have anything to say. I wasn’t preoccupied. Well. I was. But…my phone wasn’t full of text messages popping up left and right. I was just laying there. And the rest was background noise. And that seems to be a common theme these days. I just lay there. And the rest….is background noise.

We went to a fast food restaurant right before they closed. We felt bad but didn’t care too much. It was the strangest experience I’ve had in a fast food restaurant, ever, I think. After it was clear that they were closed, we were only about halfway through our food. All of a sudden, some strange sort of rave-ish, ecstasy/shrooms/acid type of music came over the speakers. And, I was just trying to eat some chicken nuggets. And then a man starts banging on the windows. And this music….just trippy ass music….and this dude…banging on the windows….and I look over at my friends shirt…and it’s fuckin tie-dye. And I ask, “am I on shrooms right now?” And then the sound of a telephone starts ringing. Like, that had been a part of whatever sound was coming through the speakers. 

And, I know it probably makes no sense. But I was genuinely freaked out for a minute. And completely sober.

Earlier tonight, after making loads of money as my fantastic job (you know those are both lies, right?) I ran into the gas station for another friend. When I came back out I handed her her pack of cigarettes and asked her to hand me a cup that I wanted to throw away. The window was slightly rolled down and we were trying to fit the cup through the crack in the window but it would just baaaarrrreeeeeely fit. So I said, “roll it down just a little more,” as I’m trying to awkwardly fit this cup through the window.

Naturally, she accidentally pushed the “window up” button and rolled up my hand into the window.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Hard.

And it was that kind of laugh that made me feel good.

Even though sometimes, everything feels like such shit.

Also, I am currently interested in no romantic relationship whatsoever. I’ve tried everything. 

They all…..suck.

So the next dude…is…reeeaaaally gonna have to sweep me off my feet. And even if he does, I’ll probably freak out.

And if they talk to anyone from around here, I doubt they will want to.