It’s the green that makes the world go ’round…

I’m green with envy. That my life can’t be what I wish it was. That I’ve never really gotten one situation to end up with me “winning”. I can’t remember the last time I came out of something and thought, “Man. That really worked out for me.” I’m envious of anyone that has any money to their name right now. That can afford to pay their bills, and then like, buy an iced latte afterwards. That used their money to pay for educations that have gotten them jobs where they make….not that much….but at least enough to survive. Or maybe I’m envious of those assholes that didn’t (or were smart enough not to?) go to college and have jobs where they make….not that much…but at least enough to survive. 

So money becomes the purpose. Stupid, dirty, disgusting, bad-smelling money. I lower myself to standards that I try to brush off with “I’m only doing this for now…just until school is finished…” and I beg for jobs back that I never should’ve even gotten in the first place. Well guess what? School should’ve been finished by now. But it’s not. So I’m sorry for that.

And then I look for some way to just paaaassss the tiiiiiiiime while I’m on this hunt for money. Completely forgoing what I REALLY wish I could be doing. What I should be doing. I have no choice left but to make money my main priority. And currently, I’m doing a terrible job at even that. So I start to find distractions. Ways to make things go by quicker. I make new friends, I get new habits. I build new relationships.

And then I land myself in a green…swamp…of….shit. Some mess that I’ve created. And it’s turned into a monster. A Frankenstein. A green Frankenstein. And I can’t even control it anymore. What have I created? And it’s turned my whole life into this hazy shade of green. Where I can’t even see what my best friends look like anymore. I can’t see my family. I can’t see people I love, or thought I loved, or still do love, or who love me but I don’t love them….I can’t see…anything.

And then I become nauseous. My face….turns this sick shade of green. Because here I am. Sitting in this mess. Being hung upside down by this monster I’ve created. All because I was a little bored and a little too smart and a little too creative and maybe even a little crazy…..

And I explode. 

All over.

And it’s green. 

Because that’s my favorite color.